Where to begin? From last Tuesday to today, this week has been full of stress. Some stupid ass bullshit stress & some valid. The stupid stuff is minor, annoying, kind of like when you have sneakers on & an itch on the top of your foot, but you aren't in a position to take your shoe off & take care of it. Anyway, that stuff is minor & I don't want to talk about it.
I am more worried about not being able to find a job. It's been just over two months since I last worked. Yes, I look, regularly & I have been on interviews. I'm either over qualified or under qualified by a smidge. It's starting to take it's toll on me physically & emotionally.
I have been exercising pretty regularly to relieve my tension. I don't think it's working. My shoulder has been killing me, honestly I can't say for how long. I thought I slept funny but it didn't go away. When I woke up one morning & realized I couldn't fully relax my shoulder I figured it was tension. After I lifted weights last week, it felt better, not fixed but less painful. Right now the pain is going up into my ear drum. The pain did run down into my chest but that's subsided. I know my shoulder pain is directly related to....
My stress and worry over not having a job. My bills are all behind except for my rent, car insurance, renter's insurance & my credit card. When I did have a job, things were tight, but I always got by. Now they are tight to the point where I've had to ask for help. I hate that. I had to defer my student loan. Most of it has been paid off and I had to defer it. It was very painful to do that. I'm just so disappointed and I don't know if it's with myself or with the economy or something else.
I'm questioning if it was right for me to actually go to college, I mean, I am paying for a degree (still) I haven't really used. I don't have any special job skills I can fall back on. I feel at a loss lately. Like I don't know what to do. I know everything happens for a reason and everything will work out but sometimes I wish I could just catch a small break. I'm a really good person. I'm a good worker, I show up on time, work all day, I don't call out fake sick, I have great qualities, I think I'm the employee most employers would be pleased and impressed with. But lately, I feel like I have gotten a bad deal.
I'm just in a funk and a bit envious of the people who "work" the system or people who aren't deserving of anything, have lives they don't appreciate. I'm not saying I'd like to be one of those people, I'm just saying I'd like to have a job & be appreciated for what I am worth.
It's very hard not to become dejected very easily. It's hard not to doubt myself and my abilities and my choices. Some days it's hard to get out of bed.
I always used to hide behind my smile so people didn't know my unhappiness with my life. I feel like I've been doing that lately. Hiding behind my smile. This time it's for different reasons. Before, I never wanted anyone to know how sad & lonely I was in my marriage. This time it's different. Now, I don't want anyone to know how scared & alone I feel. That I wonder if things are going to implode.
I'm going to look for some more jobs to apply for. I will be going to a job fair tomorrow. I'm hoping maybe something turns out. I will keep my fingers crossed.
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