*Insert Emotion Here*

I can't figure out how I am feeling. Am I sad? Am I angry? Hurt? I can't decide. Is it a combination? There was an episode of Golden Girls where Blanche & Rose were talking & when Blanche couldn't exactly describe her feelings, she used a color. She said she was feeling Magenta. Maybe I'm feeling a bit Magenta.

When you're a kid, it's hard. Granted it isn't adult hard, but it's still hard. There are cliques, in-crowds, whatevers. It's hard to find where you fit in. No one wants to be left out. Everyone wants to be liked & everyone wants to have a friend. Someone they laugh with, have fun with, share things with. I mean, who doesn't want that? As you get older, things change. You have fewer friends but you are close with them. You choose them because you laugh with them, have fun, share things, confide in each other. I believe we need friends to exist. They make our lives better.

Recently, I've had some doubt cast. I have parted ways with someone I considered a friend. Someone I've confided in & who has confided in me. About a lot of things. Maybe it was naive on my part to assume that the things we confided in each other would stay with us even though we might not speak, but I assumed wrong. What is that saying? When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U & ME? Something like that. Anyway....

It was never my intention, nor would it ever be to go back to the people that were complained about & tell them was had been said about them. It's stupid & immature & really, what would be the purpose? I can tell you the same courtesy was not offered to me. Why? I don't know. I found out in a roundabout way, but was asked not to say anything. See, this person, by not being a good friend, could have possibly jeopardized some future (income earning) endeavors for me. Ironically, the person I found out from, does not want to me to say anything to anyone. That person doesn't want to be involved & distanced from the situation. It's just a mess where I feel like someone can say crap to someone else but the person who told me has said to let it go. So I feel like there is no defending myself. It feels like my past all over again where I just allowed people to treat me like crap & I never did anything about it. I don't like it.

I didn't sleep much, I spent a lot of time wondering if my friend was ever really my friend. I think I know the answer & I'm pretty sure it's a no. Oddly, this person is wondering why I won't speak with them. In light on what I have found out, really?? You wonder??? I just merely parted ways, a reason, a season, a lifetime. I never had intentions of being negative, sharing things that were said, we just go our own ways. I'm very hurt that the same courtesy wasn't afforded me.

I suppose I'm feeling Cornflower Blue. It's not quite blue, not quite gray.

Elizabeth