Wits End wits end

I'm so damn annoyed.  This whole not having a job, not being able to find a job is getting on my last nerve.  On Monday I will be unemployed for 13 months.  It's been awful & is really taking it's toll on my self esteem.

I have done everything the state of NJ has suggested: I took computer classes to brush up or add on to my skills, I volunteer, I've reconsidered what I'm worth (monetarily) and dropped down what I would ask for in pay.  What else is there for me to do?  It's even been suggested that I omit things on my resume, but I refuse to do that.  That's like lying.  What if someone investigates my background?  I won't do that.

I even signed up with two temp agencies.  One I signed up with almost a year ago.  In April I contacted my "account manager" to ask why I haven't heard anything in almost 6 months and gave her my updated resume.  She told me that there weren't any employers looking for my set of skills.  Really? Today I emailed her again, since I haven't heard from her once.  What's the effing point of having an "account manager" at a temp agency for?  Good thing I didn't have to pay her because her ass would be so fired.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interview for a job I was really interested in.  It was local & only part time, but I felt good about it.  I thought the interview went well.  I found it odd that she kept asking me if I was bitter and resentful about things at my old job, the manner they went about in laying me off.  I told her I wasn't and I'm not.  Ultimately business is business.  Life moves forward, it's a waste of energy to hold on to something like that.  She also told me that she would let me know, either way, her decision with me, to which I was thankful.  She asked me to email her 3 references, which I did.  I also sent a hand written thank you note at the suggestion of a friend.  The job was to be part time in August with the potential to become full time.  Today is September 1st.  I haven't heard from her by phone or email.  Thanks a lot.

That's the thing, applying for most jobs is now anonymous.  So I can't follow up.  Then I never hear anything. It's crap, it really is & I'm tired of it.  I'm an awesome employee.  I'm well rounded and organized.  I have superior organization and multitasking skills.  I have an excellent personality & can fit in anywhere but most of all I want to work and do a good job.  I'm not a schlub employee.  I have 10 years of office experience.  I like to learn new things.  I'm a team player.  Do you know how hard it is not to sound desperate in a job interview?  Do you know how hard it is to not beg in a cover letter to please, just give me an interview so I can tell you how much of an asset I would be to a company?

This whole not working has taking a toll on my self esteem, that I now have trouble selling myself, even to me.   I'm tired of hearing how "everything is for a reason", "something great is out there", "it will get better" and all the other typical cliche stuff that is said.  That doesn't help me pay my rent or pay my utilities.  If I didn't have my mom, I probably would have been evicted from my apartment a few months ago.  I get paid every 2 weeks from unemployment & that one payment isn't enough to cover my rent.  Sometimes I wish I had a second bedroom so I could find a room mate (not ideal for me, I don't want a room mate) but it would help a lot.  So I'm stuck in this alone.

I always believe you have to hit bottom before you can go back up but I'm not even sure I've hit bottom yet.  I don't even know what my bottom is.  I would like to so I can get the ball rolling.  I'm just very annoyed with this whole ordeal.  I've never been a big prayer, but I pray all the time.  I've asked for signs, I've been listening.  I don't know what to do.

Hiding Behind A Smile

Where to begin? From last Tuesday to today, this week has been full of stress. Some stupid ass bullshit stress & some valid. The stupid stuff is minor, annoying, kind of like when you have sneakers on & an itch on the top of your foot, but you aren't in a position to take your shoe off & take care of it. Anyway, that stuff is minor & I don't want to talk about it.

I am more worried about not being able to find a job. It's been just over two months since I last worked. Yes, I look, regularly & I have been on interviews. I'm either over qualified or under qualified by a smidge. It's starting to take it's toll on me physically & emotionally.

I have been exercising pretty regularly to relieve my tension. I don't think it's working. My shoulder has been killing me, honestly I can't say for how long. I thought I slept funny but it didn't go away. When I woke up one morning & realized I couldn't fully relax my shoulder I figured it was tension. After I lifted weights last week, it felt better, not fixed but less painful. Right now the pain is going up into my ear drum. The pain did run down into my chest but that's subsided. I know my shoulder pain is directly related to....

My stress and worry over not having a job. My bills are all behind except for my rent, car insurance, renter's insurance & my credit card. When I did have a job, things were tight, but I always got by. Now they are tight to the point where I've had to ask for help. I hate that. I had to defer my student loan. Most of it has been paid off and I had to defer it. It was very painful to do that. I'm just so disappointed and I don't know if it's with myself or with the economy or something else.

I'm questioning if it was right for me to actually go to college, I mean, I am paying for a degree (still) I haven't really used. I don't have any special job skills I can fall back on. I feel at a loss lately. Like I don't know what to do. I know everything happens for a reason and everything will work out but sometimes I wish I could just catch a small break. I'm a really good person. I'm a good worker, I show up on time, work all day, I don't call out fake sick, I have great qualities, I think I'm the employee most employers would be pleased and impressed with. But lately, I feel like I have gotten a bad deal.

I'm just in a funk and a bit envious of the people who "work" the system or people who aren't deserving of anything, have lives they don't appreciate. I'm not saying I'd like to be one of those people, I'm just saying I'd like to have a job & be appreciated for what I am worth.

It's very hard not to become dejected very easily. It's hard not to doubt myself and my abilities and my choices. Some days it's hard to get out of bed.

I always used to hide behind my smile so people didn't know my unhappiness with my life. I feel like I've been doing that lately. Hiding behind my smile. This time it's for different reasons. Before, I never wanted anyone to know how sad & lonely I was in my marriage. This time it's different. Now, I don't want anyone to know how scared & alone I feel. That I wonder if things are going to implode.

I'm going to look for some more jobs to apply for. I will be going to a job fair tomorrow. I'm hoping maybe something turns out. I will keep my fingers crossed.