Apology to Jay

One thing I always did was hide behind my smile. I had perfected it, I was better than anyone I know. No one ever really knew just how much hurt I was hiding behind my smile. This last week has been brutal. I was dealt a harsh blow with being "laid off". I wasn't prepared for it. It has devastated me.

I've done nothing but think....I've had a lot of time on my hands. I need routine & structure & haven't had getting up & going to work to provide that. So I think. All day long. I over analyze everything. I can't stop it. My brain is constantly going, I can't shut it off. I'm getting into the habit of going to the Y to provide some of that structure, but don't think I can be there for 8 hours. The gym was my place to clear my head & think. I purposely don't bring my phone with me so I can do what I need to in peace. But I think. Panic comes on & I gasp, fight to hold back tears while I exercise & think. I have been over analyzing everything & anything that fires through my neurons. It's horrible & I would like to know how to control it.

My gut was telling me something wasn't right for months. I was asked to trust certain people, things were moving forward. All I had asked for was to be told if things weren't going to work, please let me know, please give me some time to prepare, find a job so I wouldn't be left without one. I was assured my job was secure and that, yes, I'd get the heads up should I start looking. I had been working diligently, I was told I have to prove I wanted to be there. I had everything in order, neat & tidy. I was asking for more responsibility & it was being given to me. We were a team, we discussed things as a team. Except for this. Apparently 4 days before I was told I was being "laid off", it was discovered that there wasn't any money left, not because of the economy, because of poor business decisions & money management over the years. I find it hard to believe that CPAs & financial planners "realize" 4 days before they "lay off" people that they've run out of money. I don't buy it & I am bitter because of it. They had to know a few months ago, if not, they have to be the worst people at their jobs. Some team we were. A decision was made & was going to be adhered to. No discussion with the team. Just let us go. No thought process to figure out another solution. Just let us go. All my hard work & growth didn't matter. I proved I wanted to be there & for that I was let go. Sure, it was great for my personal growth but right now I don't feel like it was.

It's led me to question a lot of things. Did I make the right choice in going to college? To get a degree I've never used? Should I try to find a new job that pertains to my degree? What do I do when I run out of money? So many more questions because I have done nothing but think. I know a lot of thoughts are irrational & unfounded but I still don't feel better. I feel I've become somewhat distant from Jay, not because I don't love him but because I'm trying to figure everything out. I wish someone could figure things out for me, to make it easier on me. Not only am I worried about everything but I feel terrible for being short with him. I'm used to fixing things for everyone else. For being the person everyone can turn to for a rational discussion & support. I'm scared & my emotional distance is due to the fear of the unknown & trying to figure it out. I texted Jay to apologize. I know he's sleeping but I really hope he understands. I thought getting divorced & starting a life without someone I had been with for 11 years & thought I'd be with forever would be the hardest, scariest thing I'd ever have to do but it was a piece of cake compared to how I have felt this last week.

I hope Jay accepts my texts & this as my apology. I don't want him to be mad, in fact, I'm not even sure he is. I just want him to understand that I am scared as hell & don't know what to do for the first time in my life. I'm hoping I can find some answers soon. I feel like crap, emotionally & physically. My neck & shoulder hurt so bad. Getting up & staying up in the morning is very hard. I know I will find answers, I'm just hoping it's sooner rather than later.

Apologetically,

Elizabeth