Character Introduction!!!

So I'd like to introduce someone to you. Someone who caused me much pain & suffering, but now it's pretty funny. I would like to you all to meet my EX Mother-in-law, the Succubus. Yes, I know what a Succubus is, but that name was the MOST affectionate name I could give her. I've been calling her that so long now it makes some people giggle when I mention her. Hell, I giggle when I say it. I'm pretty sure I started calling her that because all I ever heard was: "Don't pick on my baby boy", "My baby boy "this" & My baby boy "that" blah blah blah , dry heave, gag. Give me a break already.

I happened to be watching the TV show "Everybody Loves Raymond" & every single time I watch it, Marie, Ray's mother reminds me of the Succubus. Not visually, but her personality, her antics, the way she speaks to people. It makes me laugh but also gives me anxiety. Weird, I know. But that's how the Succubus is & will always be. Eleven years I tolerated that woman. It took me a long time to learn to stand up for myself & I never had the chance to stand up to her. I should have realized what was to come on Mother's Day in 2001. Yeah, I'm still holding a grudge. This is near the beginning of when I was starting to learn just how effed up these people are.

Let me set the scene for you: The Succubus had mentioned how she always wanted a Movado watch. The one with the leather band, with the diamond at the top. I wasn't familiar with fancy named things, life where I grew up wasn't like that. Anyway, she mentioned that to me & I filed it away. At my old job, my boss had a client who had given him tickets for a jeweler's show which allowed those who attended to get expensive watches at an extreme discount. It was just before Mother's Day & I had an idea. How about the Ex, The Step-Father, Grimace (her explanation will come at a later time) & I chip in together & get the Succubus the Movado watch she's always wanted. I was being the kind & thoughtful person I always am. Anyway, they all agreed & the Ex & I went to the jeweler's show. I was pretty excited over my thoughtful gift. Let's skip ahead to Mother's Day.

As she's opening her gifts, because it was always ALL about the gifts, she getting ready to open the joint one. I'm excited because I know she's about to open something she's always wanted but never thought she'd have. Here we go!! She's about to open it!!!!

Succubus: Movado, what??? (opening box). You guys got me a Movado watch!!! Wow, but oh, I really wanted one with the diamond at the top.
Me: (trying not to sound dejected & devastated) Movado has never made a watch with a diamond at the top, it's always been a silver dot.
Succubus: Well, I guess this is ok.

The ignorant bitch that she is didn't even know how the watches have ALWAYS been made. I asked the girl at the Movado counter about the "one with the diamond" & she set me straight which how I was able to explain it to the Succubus. Instead of responding in the polite manner I did I should have said: "You ungrateful, unappreciative ignorant c u next Tuesday (spell it out people). You didn't even know what you were asking for, you just cared about a name. You're lucky anyone even considers anything you want, bitch". But I didn't.

Eleven years of shit like that. Her extreme passive aggressiveness, talking about people behind their backs, being nice to their faces. It got to a point where she stopped really speaking to me. It's pretty funny & petty. Like to hear it?? Here it goes....

The Succubus' birthday is in October. We had planned, as a family to take her to dinner & celebrate, with presents, because it's always about the presents. Well, I went & bought her a lovely pair of earrings to match a bracelet she had & a Wizard of Oz figurine. The Ex didn't do it, I did it. He did call her to wish her a Happy Birthday, which, I thought when you're married situations like that one spouse = both. I mean, he never specifically called MY mother. Anyway, we had dinner, cake & presents, don't forget the presents & to me I assumed everything was splendid. Apparently it wasn't, for 6 months it wasn't. Who knew??? See, I didn't get a birthday card from her 6 months later, my birthday is in April. It took until May when the Ex called her to find out why I never got a birthday card. Guess why? Because I didn't call her & wish her a Happy Birthday direct from me to her on her birthday. I swear to God THAT is the absolute truth. Those were the words she spoke to the Ex. It made me laugh, a grown, 55 year old woman behaving like a child.

So, if any of you have ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond, you know who Marie is & I swear who ever developed her character must have know the Succubus.

Enjoy, I know I do!!!

Elizabeth

Recipe!!!!

Hey all!! I've been busy busy busy!!! Cooking & baking!!! I have a delicious recipe to share with you all!!!! It was easy to make, just needs a little time!!!

It's good I've been so active in my kitchen. I'm working on something, business-ish. More to come on that, just at a later time.....

My recipe for you tonight is for Double Coconut Cream Pie. My sweetest, Jay, is a big fan of coconut & his birthday was August 19th. We celebrated his 72nd birthday with some presents, dinner & something coconuty for dessert. It was this pie. Every day he has a piece he tells me how much he likes it. Thanks Jay!!!

Ingredients

- 5 cups sweetened flaked coconut
- 7 tbsp unsalted butter
- 1/2 cup chocolate chips
- 2 large eggs
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 1/4 cup all purpose flour
- 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
- 2 cups whole milk
- 3/4 cup heavy cream
- additional sweetened flaked coconut, toasted, optional

1. Preheat oven to 350*F. Mist a 9-inch pie plate with cooking spray. Place 3 cups coconut in a bowl. In a pan, melt 5 tbsp butter. Stir butter into coconut until moistened. Press mixture into bottom and sides of pie plate. Bake until crust is a deep golden brown, 25 to 30 minutes. Check often - if edges are browning before bottom, cover edges with strips of foil. Transfer crust to a wire rack. Sprinkle chocolate chips over hot crust & let stand for 5 minutes, until melted. Gently spread chocolate over bottom of crust. Refrigerate crust for at least 10 - 15 minutes.

2. In a bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, flour and vanilla until smooth. Warm milk in a pan over medium heat until nearly simmering. Whisking constantly, slowly pour hot milk into egg mixture. Return milk mixture to pan. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until mixture begins to boil & thickens enough to coat back of a spoon, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat, stir in remaining 2 cups of coconut & 2 tbsp of butter; let stand 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Pour custard into crust. Cover with plastic wrap, pressing directly against surface of custard & chill completely, about 1.5 hours.

3. Using an electric mixer, beat cream until stiff peaks form. Spread whipped cream over custard swirling decoratively. Chill pie for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with toasted coconut, if desired.

That is a picture of the finished product!!! It is so delicious!!!! The thin layer of chocolate over the coconut.....OMG......so good like a coconut cluster!!!!

- To toast coconut preheat the oven to 325*f, spread coconut in a thin layer & stir every 5 minutes until toasted.

- I sweetened my whipping cream with a tablespoon of confectioner's sugar. I also chilled my metal bowl & beaters.

I hope someone tries this recipe!!! It really is quite easy & very delicious!!!!!

Enjoy!!!

Elizabeth

PSA - HOT WAX

I don't know who I have told this story to. I think it's pretty funny. Consider it one of my many Public Service Announcements (PSA).

There are two things I am obsessed with: the whiteness of my teeth & that my eyebrows are perfectly groomed. By the way, I don't judge people by their teeth but I do make an assessment. Just kidding!!! Anyway....

I have my own hot waxer. I figured it would be more cost effective to do regular maintenance on my own & leave the shaping to a professional. I pluck the dark hairs that grow in everyday. I do have a lot of blond hairs that also grow but they hurt way too much to pluck them out so I wax them off. Genius, I know.

One day, a few years ago, I was really mad at the ex. I mean fuming, furious mad. I don't remember why. I had my waxer on, ready for me to wax. I planned to touch up BEFORE I was so mad. So I start, I do the left side, everything is ok, lookin' good. I do the right eyebrow, underneath my eyebrows gets waxed twice. I also reuse my muslin. Well, I put the wax on the second time, closer to my eyebrow & pressed the muslin on. I pull my skin tight & rip.......OH SHIT!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! In my anger, I forgot to fold the muslin in half so the wax I previously pulled off was pressed into my actual eyebrow. I know had a hunk of hair missing in the middle of my eyebrow. Sonofabitch!!!!!!!

I finish waxing, all the while I'm trying to figure out what to do. I clean up & the ex gets home. I get in his face, remember I'm already angry at him, & ask him if he notices anything wrong with my face. He says "yeah, part of your eyebrow is missing". That's right asshole, because you mad me angry, so it's all your fault!!!!

I found a brown eyeliner pencil, used that to fill in. I had to carry it around with me for a couple of weeks while waiting for the hair to grow back. I had a tendency to wipe my brow & wipe my partial brow off. I managed to survive, but it wasn't pretty.

So, my PSA for today is: Never wax anything when angry, it turns ugly.

Have a great day!!!!

Elizabeth

Apology to Jay

One thing I always did was hide behind my smile. I had perfected it, I was better than anyone I know. No one ever really knew just how much hurt I was hiding behind my smile. This last week has been brutal. I was dealt a harsh blow with being "laid off". I wasn't prepared for it. It has devastated me.

I've done nothing but think....I've had a lot of time on my hands. I need routine & structure & haven't had getting up & going to work to provide that. So I think. All day long. I over analyze everything. I can't stop it. My brain is constantly going, I can't shut it off. I'm getting into the habit of going to the Y to provide some of that structure, but don't think I can be there for 8 hours. The gym was my place to clear my head & think. I purposely don't bring my phone with me so I can do what I need to in peace. But I think. Panic comes on & I gasp, fight to hold back tears while I exercise & think. I have been over analyzing everything & anything that fires through my neurons. It's horrible & I would like to know how to control it.

My gut was telling me something wasn't right for months. I was asked to trust certain people, things were moving forward. All I had asked for was to be told if things weren't going to work, please let me know, please give me some time to prepare, find a job so I wouldn't be left without one. I was assured my job was secure and that, yes, I'd get the heads up should I start looking. I had been working diligently, I was told I have to prove I wanted to be there. I had everything in order, neat & tidy. I was asking for more responsibility & it was being given to me. We were a team, we discussed things as a team. Except for this. Apparently 4 days before I was told I was being "laid off", it was discovered that there wasn't any money left, not because of the economy, because of poor business decisions & money management over the years. I find it hard to believe that CPAs & financial planners "realize" 4 days before they "lay off" people that they've run out of money. I don't buy it & I am bitter because of it. They had to know a few months ago, if not, they have to be the worst people at their jobs. Some team we were. A decision was made & was going to be adhered to. No discussion with the team. Just let us go. No thought process to figure out another solution. Just let us go. All my hard work & growth didn't matter. I proved I wanted to be there & for that I was let go. Sure, it was great for my personal growth but right now I don't feel like it was.

It's led me to question a lot of things. Did I make the right choice in going to college? To get a degree I've never used? Should I try to find a new job that pertains to my degree? What do I do when I run out of money? So many more questions because I have done nothing but think. I know a lot of thoughts are irrational & unfounded but I still don't feel better. I feel I've become somewhat distant from Jay, not because I don't love him but because I'm trying to figure everything out. I wish someone could figure things out for me, to make it easier on me. Not only am I worried about everything but I feel terrible for being short with him. I'm used to fixing things for everyone else. For being the person everyone can turn to for a rational discussion & support. I'm scared & my emotional distance is due to the fear of the unknown & trying to figure it out. I texted Jay to apologize. I know he's sleeping but I really hope he understands. I thought getting divorced & starting a life without someone I had been with for 11 years & thought I'd be with forever would be the hardest, scariest thing I'd ever have to do but it was a piece of cake compared to how I have felt this last week.

I hope Jay accepts my texts & this as my apology. I don't want him to be mad, in fact, I'm not even sure he is. I just want him to understand that I am scared as hell & don't know what to do for the first time in my life. I'm hoping I can find some answers soon. I feel like crap, emotionally & physically. My neck & shoulder hurt so bad. Getting up & staying up in the morning is very hard. I know I will find answers, I'm just hoping it's sooner rather than later.

Apologetically,

Elizabeth

OMG

The WORST possible thing happened today. I'm worried that I will be thought of differently....OMG.....horrible.....devastating......

As most of you know, I was laid off from my job. I'm not really sad over it, just scared of the unknown. Cliche time....yes I know everything happens for a reason & when one doors closes another will open......but those things don't pay the bills or ease the anxious moments I have. But I digress....

I've been doing fun things with my new found free time, in trying to figure out what I want to do. Yesterday I went on a Super Secret Hike on Federal land in Pennsylvania. My friend Patrice & her friend Susie took me on a trail they have made. Patrice & I worked together, she was also laid off. Patrice & Susie are members of the Winettes. They hike & bring wine & picnic in the woods. They solve all of life's problems during this time & it takes place in the unmarked woods of Pennsylvania. Just lovely. They've taken me under their wings & made me a Winette also. Saweeeetttt!!!!!

Last Thursday when I was home, after being laid off, I had the Price Is Right on. I was talking with my friend Sunny & I said to her I had to figure out how to get on the show so I could win a car of a lifetime supply of Campbell's Soup or something. Then I had a sign: a commercial came on for open auditions for contestants on August 10th. OMG!!!! I had to go. But, I would have to cross the George Washington Bridge & I have a fear of that. Too much traffic. So I asked Elysia if she wanted to go with me. We didn't decide to go until yesterday.

We got their early, had to wait a bit. There were so many people. I did my 30 second audition & we came home to wait. Hopefully they call......

Well Jay is here & we were laying in bed talking. He's always been asking me when I'm going to fart in front of him. Um, how about never? We always joke about it.....when he hugs me I tell him not to squeeze too hard, I might blow or when I walk Hailey I tell him I heard a tuba band outside......things like that. Well, tonight, Jay had a cat hair or something stuck in his throat & he was doing this weird thing trying to clear it out. I was hysterically laughing at him (he's pretty funny when it comes to gagging & stuff, I always laugh so hard I cry) and I told him he had to stop, I was gonna fart. And then it happened.

It wasn't a dainty fart. It was like a freakin' machine gun tooting out my ass. OMG the horror!!!! I couldn't stop it because Jay was doing his gagging thing, I was laughing at him with the machine gun blowing, I tried to stop but I couldn't!!!! When he stopped gagging he was laughing so hard his face was purple!! He was kind enough to offer to fart so I didn't have to be alone.

He says he doesn't think different of me but I'm still worried. Have I lost some of my girly-ness?? Does he still think I'm cute or does he think I'm a total disgusting slob?? Oh, the horror!!!!

Horrified,

Elizabeth

SHU

Back when I changed my life around, I moved out of my condo & in with a guy I knew from my old gym. It was strictly platonic. He knew I was not in a good place & offered for me to move in & share his house with him. Ok, seems like a nice enough guy, I said yes. I lasted 2 months, to the day. Between coming home & finding him drunk & blubbering to his psycho pink haired girlfriend who tried to start trouble, it was a lot more than I could handle. Living there forced me to find my current apartment.

I live at Wits End. Literally, can't make this shit up. When I was turning my utilities on, I'd give my address & there would always be a hesitation. Then I would say "that's really my street name" & the person would laugh. Because it's funny, really funny. Jay & I were joking around talking about where I live & we've coined it the SHU Now, if you watch any of the TV shows about being incarcerated, they always show you the inmates who live in the Special Housing Unit or SHU. The SHU buildings tend to have names. My building has a name. I live in the Stockholm House. All the buildings are named for NJ towns. So I now live in the SHU at Wits End.

At the SHU, there are some "fun" characters. There is the "thug" who walks everywhere. My neighbors Jen & Buzz do not find his musical choices appropriate. See the "thug" listens to some racially explicit music & feels the need to sing (out loud) & get down as he's walking. I had to point out that he never seems to have headphones in as he's walking & singing. The "thug" has a kind heart though. One of the girls that also lives in the SHU was playing in the pool one day, fully clothed. She doesn't know how to swim & "thug" offered to teach her. He kept telling her to "surface your legs, you gotta surface your legs, that's how you swim, you surface your legs". I'm thankful there is a lifeguard on duty.

Another fun guy is my neighbor. His name in John but I affectionately refer to him as the conspiracy theorist. He believes the FBI is out to get him. My other neighbor, Linda, said John is harmless, she lets him in to use her phone all the time. She said he served time in federal prison 20 years ago but he's harmless. Yeah, um aren't all people who serve federal prison time harmless? He would frequently go to my other neighbors slider, a young couple with a baby, & constantly ask to use their phone or phone chargers. They finally had to tell him to stop. He's asked for my neighbor Jen to toss him a couple of beers, he's asked both Jay & I for cigarettes. He even asked if he could come up & use my phone. I told him no, I was down walking Hailey because Jay & I were going out. I told him he could use my cell to make a call then. He's a big drinker. Borrows money from who ever he can. Hitch hikes to get around. I don't make eye contact with him. He freaks me out. He sits in the dark on his deck & smokes. When I walk Hailey at night I usually know he is there because I can smell the smoke. When we come back all I ever see is the red embers of the lit cigarette in the dark. Freaky. Total Alfred Hitchcock/Rear Window. I'm hoping to get a picture of him but it's going to have to be done extremely covertly. I don't want to do anything to set him off, you know?

Then there is "baby momma". I'm taking name suggestions for her. She's very bitter & gross, has the worst tattoos all over. I guess her baby daddy left her just before she gave birth. She doesn't hang around the best citizens, her one friend is a junkie. Nice to bring that around a baby. Baby Momma got in my face one day. This is how it went down:

Scene: Baby Momma putting her baby in her car, me walking Hailey

BM: Um, do you think you could pick up your dog poop & stop leaving it under my stairs? Also, stop throwing garbage on my porch It's gross & I have a baby.

Me: The next time you decide to accuse someone of something you better get your facts straight. I pick up after my dog (waving blue poo bags at her) and I don't know who is throwing garbage on your deck.

BM: (Getting a little nicer) Well it's gross & unsanitary.

Me: Call management to handle it, her name is Patty.

BM: It's gross & smells & I don't appreciate it.

Me: Call management, her name is Patty. Do you really want to have altercations with the people you have to share space with? Just call management.

End Scene.

I do have a picture of her. Her outfit that day was more loose than normal. She isn't a small girl & doesn't really dress appropriately. It's hard not to gasp sometimes. Again, remember I'm taking name suggestions for her!!!! The winner gets to come by & meet all the neighbors in person!!!

Welcome to the SHU at Wits End!! Feel free to stop by anytime!!!

Elizabeth

Around The Way Girl

Anyone who knows me or who has known me for sometime knows that LL Cool J & I have been dating. He just doesn't know it, well he didn't know it, but he does now.

I had an opportunity in May to go have him sign his new book, that has lots of pictures of him, demonstrating different exercises. The book signing was about a hour away & a must do. I bought my book & waited for his arrival. Elysia, my friend who went with me told me I had to tell him about us dating. We were laughing over it. I had so much nervous anticipation. When he arrived it was crazy. They started lining us up. When it was my turn this is how it went down:

LL: Hello, thanks for coming (Shaking my hand)

Me: Congrat's on the book, I have something to tell you.

LL: OK (licked his lips)

Me: It's been a "joke" with my friends that we've been dating for the last oh 20 years you just haven't know about it. Hi, it's nice to meet you & finally get together.

LL: (chuckle) Really, yes it is nice to meet you too.

Me: Maybe in another 20 years we can do this again....

LL: It's on!

He shook my hand 3 times & had his left hand on my back pretty much indicating he wanted me. Athough he is smiling, his sunglasses are hiding his sadness. I had to tell him while I was very flattered, he needed to understand that what we have would remain a fanatsy. I told him I love my boyfriend Jay very much & would never do anything to hurt him. I explained to LL this was a once in a lifetime chance & I had to let him know. Who knew he would be so charmed by my beauty & boldness. I know he's still sad today. I would be sad if I couldn't have me either.

I will always have fond memories of our brief relationship.

Elizabeth

'Sup Mofos??

Hello!! This would be my first post in my new blog!! Most (all 15 of you) read my other blog: Grazing Through Life One Day At A Time. That really only pertains to my journey on a healthy lifestyle. I do my best to mostly keep it on topic: exercise, eating right and ALL the factors that come along with it. I needed another "space" to put all the funny/sad/bad/anythinginbetween things down that have happened and that are happening in my life. It's too funny not to share.

So here we go......

I'm now an honorary Jersey Girl. I decided that because I have survived living in NJ for 10 years. Bitches thought you could break me, whatever. All the real Jersey Girls, who were born here will just have to deal & accept it. Moving here was a harsh reality. I'm from upstate NY, Buffalo/Niagara Falls (REPRESENT!!!). I say talk not tawk, pop not soda, sucker not lollipop a whole slew of other words that are only part of the NJ English language. Consider where I grew up similar to the naivete of Rose Nailand's St. Olaf. NJ, not so much.

People are different here. People are more assertive, more direct. It was very scary for me. When I moved down here I did not realize that all the worst things & people that would ever enter my life would be here. I also didn't realize that all the best things & people that would part of my life would be here either. Funny how that happened.

You will meet "characters" of my life. Some will be named out right, some will go by the code names I have given them. Don't worry, I will give you a set list when they are involved.

I love NJ. For a long time I hated it but loved a few things about it. First, it's a state law that you don't pump your own gas. That's right. I have probably pumped my own gas 5 times or less in the last 10 years. Also, it's the Garden State. We have the BEST tomatoes & corn. Lastly, you can get divorced in NJ in one day. Same day divorce. Since the ex & I hashed out the division of everything, I prepared all the paperwork. Went to the Courthouse where a lovely clerk checked out my paperwork, told what I needed to add & gave me a date. We showed up, signed the papers, had them notarized & went up to the judge. It was done in 15 minutes. But as I said I love NJ. Most people (I am guilty of this) assume NJ is like Newark, extremely urban with lots of pavement & buildings. You couldn't be more wrong. It's lush & green with a lot of state land to hike & see wildlife. We have the shore. You go "down the shore". You don't go to the beach. It's beautiful. The sand is amazing. But please if you read this, don't go. There are already a lot of people & I don't want you to take away from me. TIA.

As I said NJ people are different. I'm learning it's different in a good way. They are more assertive & direct, but I like it. I'm getting like that. NJ has never left the 80's. True story. You will find more mall hair & leggings & long nails than anywhere else on the planet. It's like one big long Bon Jovi video!!!! You just accept it as it is.

I don't have a funny story today. I just wanted to get things going. I hope you all enjoy & I plan to do my best to keep you entertained. Please feel free to follow me & share with your friends.

Have a great Saturday!!!


Elizabeth