Time.....

It's been a while.  A very long while.  I've been taking some time for me.  I know that sounds weird, but it's the truth.  I was lost for a while.  I'm not quite sure how long, but I was lost.  I apparently allowed myself to fall back into some old habits.  I started repeating behaviors or maybe I never stopped.  I don't know.  In any event....

I'm still an exile in NJ.  I think I am meant to be here though.  I have had so much personal growth here.  Sure, I still struggle....mostly with finances, but who doesn't?  I have been unsuccessful at finding a part time job or a sugar daddy (slightly kidding!).  But I'm so effing happy, it isn't funny.

Work is AWESOME!!!!!.  I'm one lucky gal who stepped in it when I found this job.  Every day I'm told I'm appreciated, someone's favorite, thanked for all that I do & doted on.  By men in uniform.  They make being single (yes, I'm still single, more to come...) fun.  They have become unlikely friends, who give me advice on men.  They have set the standard on how I deserve & expect to be treated by a man.  It's like a dream come true.  I love me some men in uniform.  This is where I was meant to be.

As I mentioned, I'm still single.  This trying to date has been fun? trying? an adventure?  I'm not sure what to call it.  Once, just once, it was enough to curse me, that my wonderful friend Amy said I had a freak magnet in my pocket.  And I attract freaks.  A lot of them.  It does make for some good stories though.  I have to laugh.  I do laugh, a lot.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I know what I what (a man with an accent is fun) & what I don't want (selfish, insecure bastards).   All the things people would say to me: You're beautiful, attractive, have a lot to offer......I am now starting to finally see all of that within myself.  I confidence & esteem are through the roof.  My life is amazing!

I mean it, my life is amazing.  I'm not saying it to say it or to cover up for how I'm really feeling.  I've never been happier in my whole entire life.  Other than having more money, but everyone would like that, there is not one single thing I would change at this point & time.  Why?  Let's recap: I'm single, have a great job,  good friends, Soldiers dote on me & make me feel special & I have a lot of "dating" options.   What is there to hate other than the bright, dazzling smile I wear every day & the pure happiness that radiates from me?

And with that, look forward to some of my fun (read: weird) dating stories!!

e -

NJ - Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down or Thumbs in the Middle?

So it's been months since I've written.  I've been busy, enjoying my life & taking time for me.  

I'm still really happy.  Never been happier, ever in my life.  Work is great.  It's really the best job ever.  I love the Army.  Probably one of the best things to ever happen to me.  I could use more money, because I do struggle.  I worry about the typical stuff, but I am happy.  I'm also sorta "talking" with someone.  I don't want to mention too much about it, I don't want to jinx it.  But it's slow & we're taking things one day at a time.  That whole "thing" makes me happy too, giddy and I giggle like an idiot whether he's around or not.  I'm so silly!

Still not loving NJ.  Probably will never fully love it.   My "woo" as I call him, he doesn't like it here either.  It seems those of us not from NJ, well we don't love it.  It really is quite the shock to the system.   Twelve years here and I still have yet to adjust to the manner in which NJ people behave, act, handle, present themselves, well just how they are.  It gets old.

But on a different note, it's become a HUGE realization that I do not see myself as others do.  I obviously have something that attracts people to me.  In the last few months I have been hit on more than I can count on two hands.  That's right.  You read correctly me.  Me.  Hit on.  I don't know if it's always been like that or if it's because in the last couple of months I've been so happy.   I've rediscovered my self esteem and self confidence.  I think a lot of that has to do with my job.  I have become much more assertive.  Again, having to do with work.  I have the pleasure of working with about 45 assertive personalities daily.   I think they've been rubbing of on me in a good way.  Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean I don't have insecure moments, but they happen much less often than they used to.

So it's gets me to thinking.  How many of us don't see ourselves as others do?  I suppose I really need to start seeing myself as everyone else does.  I've also realized that all the best things in my life have happened in NJ.  As well as all the worst things in my life.  I do believe I was meant to be here in NJ, but I'm not so sure this is my forever place.

So maybe I should cut NJ some slack??  Is NJ not really the Garden State but the State of Checks and Balances?  Is NJ a therapeutic state where you go to become completely broken only to rise like a phoenix from the ashes?   I don't know.  I don't have the answers to any of that.  For those of us that are transplants here, we will never fully adapt.  Well, I won't.  I'm a rebel like that.

I probably will never say "I love NJ".   I will say "there are things about NJ that I love" but there are also things I hate.  Maybe I'm not so black & white about it anymore, I may have some gray areas.  I will say that I've discovered a lot about me & the person I am & I am thankful for that, it's only taken 12 years to get here!!!

:)

e -

Lately I don't have too much love for NJ

I've had some changes lately, well, I made some changes.  I know I haven't written in a while.  I have stuff I want to share, but I'm not quite ready.  Quite honestly, I can't remember when I've been happier, actually.  But today I'm feeling lonely.

I'm sure it's left over hormones from "my lady friend".  Thursday, one of my guys - hahaha, I refer to soldiers as my guys!  Anyway, Thursday one of them called & said he heard I took out a Craigslist ad looking for a single soldier to live with me & pay my rent in exchange for me doing laundry, cooking & cleaning.  All these emotions came flooding to me.  It brought back a reminder of why I made a particular change in my life.

Jay & I aren't together anymore.  That's all I'm going to say on it.  There won't be any getting back together, either.  It was a tough decision, one with many influencing factors.  Basically I'm left with the continuous resonance of things said to me, that play over & over like a broken record in my head.  Things I can never forget.  And I'm pretty sure he's never given me another thought since that day, because of something he said to me, frequently, as a matter of fact.  His mother actually called me a few months back, telling me I could do better.  Funny thing, shortly after we broke up, she texted me, to tell me she was thinking about me a lot & wasn't sure if I wanted to hear from her.  Odd, considering she encouraged me to let him go.

Anyway, I'm just lonely today.  This is the first time in my life, at almost 36, I mean 28, that I've been completely alone.  It's not so bad.  Well, it's bad at night & the weekends.  I wish I could work all the time.  I love my friends, but I feel like a 3rd wheel.  Funny thing is, even when Jay & I were together, most of the time I was with my friends he wasn't around, too busy with his things.

I'm struggling with reaching out to someone today.  I want to, but won't.  I don't have SGT Lopez to talk with like I used to.  We still talk & text though.  He's moved on & he suggested I go up to where he's now stationed, since there are a lot of single soldiers.  Now that's a friend looking out for a girl!  That may help some of the lonely feelings while I'm there.  And my birthday is coming.  Although I have picked a particular present that I want to give myself.  It's possible that I won't get it right on my birthday, but keep your fingers crossed.  I have high hopes.

I just feel like this Hell forsaken state is trying so hard to break me, and I keep fighting it.  Why?  What did I ever do to NJ?

I think I'm just cranky & am at the tail end of some hormones & blogging is helping me not send a desperate text.  I will get through this.  NJ won't kill me, maybe it's really trying to make me stronger.  I swear, if I can endure this place, I can probably make it anywhere.  Even though it sucks balls at the moment.

e -

Bang-Bangs

So you all know I live at Wits End, literally.....and figuratively.  I've also written about my neighbors.  Specifically, my lower neighbors.  For 6 months I had awesome neighbors.  An elderly couple, Nancy & John.  I adored them.  Such a sweet couple, with wonderful kids.  But they moved out & that has made me sad.  I also really enjoy my neighbor Maryellen & her boyfriend Bill.  Maryellen has the most wonderful pit bull mix dog, Rufus & German Shepard Sadie, who both adore my Hailey girl.  Recently, I got new neighbors downstairs.

What Maryellen has gotten from the office is it's a young woman & her 4 year old daughter & their pit bull.

***Disclaimer - I have nothing against pit bulls.  I believe the breed gets a bad rap because of how they are raised/trained etc.

Maryellen said the office advised the young woman downstairs that is there is one complaint about the dog, the dog has to go.  Maryellen spoke with the young woman who assured her several times in one conversation that the dog is friendly.  When I walk Hailey & we pass the door since we share an entryway, the dog scratches, barks, snarls & body slams the door.  It scares Hailey & sometimes I have trouble getting her back inside.  But that isn't really what I'm writing about.

These fuckers downstairs make noise constantly.  LOUD noise, constantly.  Rolling, slamming, banging.  CONSTANTLY.  For hours at a time.  I'm not joking.  One night, in less than a minute, they slammed open & closed the slider 7 times.  7 fucking times in less than a minute!!!!  Right now, there is rolling & banging & running going on, along with a radio I can hear - all over my TV which isn't even at a loud level.  And this is constant.

When they were moving in, they were using a power saw out back to build something.  Oh, which their little deck area.....the Christmas tree is still lying back there, rather than put it in the dumpster 15 feet away, they just left it out there.  We haven't determined what was being built.

Aside from the constant noise, there have been at least 3 different guys there.  We aren't sure what the deal is, but they are there, often.  Jay suggested that maybe it's a flop house.  I don't think that's what it is, but you never know.  We just really wonder what the constant noise is all about.  One night, Jay had headphones in watching videos on youtube & he could still hear the noise.

I have told the office, which they tell me to call the emergency line, that maybe they don't realize they are making that much noise.  They are quiet (with an occasional slam) during the night, so they do have some apartment etiquette.  I told the office yesterday that if Fruity Nutcake thought I was loud, her fucking head would have exploded with the people downstairs.  You can refresh your memories about her here & here.

At the moment, I don't feel the need to call the maintenance line.  But the noise is amazing.  I have not met her yet, I think she's avoiding me.  She hasn't spoken to Maryellen but once.  When she's outside with one of the "gentleman callers" she won't make eye contact with Maryellen but when she's alone, she will.  Maryellen plans to ask her about that.  I like Maryellen, she's a cool cat.  I need to get some of her assertiveness.

I'm trying to think of a name for downstairs.  I'm thinking of calling them the Bang-Bangs.

I'm sure I will have more to write about them once the warmer weather comes.  This could get interesting.

:)

e -

Tis But a Flesh Wound......

***WARNING*** If you have a queasy stomach or blood makes you light headed then you better skip today's post. Consider yourself warned.

Before I get to my actual post, I thought I'd update you on something.  You all know my neighbor, the Conspiracy Theorist (CT), right?  Well, I learned from my one normal neighbor, Maryellen, that he is in the hospital on life support.  Sad.  Apparently he had an awful seizure and his being in the hospital on life support is the outcome.  It's possible it was caused my medication he takes & his large consumption of alcohol.  So sad.

Ok, on to my actual post.

Back at the very end of July, in the middle of the whole bed bug ordeal, I had yet another cutlery incident.  It is becoming apparent that I don't have very good knife skills & probably should only own butter knives.  I was cutting a roll for dinner with Jay, it was a good thing he was here, and I put a serrated bread knife pretty deep into my left ring finger.  I guess you aren't supposed to hold a roll in your hand to cut it, you're supposed to lay it flat on the counter.  Who knew?? Mind you, a couple of weeks before, I cut myself in the exact same spot, but it was very minor, a flesh wound.  :)

Now I rip my finger open & I'm hanging into my kitchen sink, running it under cold water, trying to get the blood to stop.  It wasn't working.  At all.  My conversation with Jay:

Me:  I think I need to get stitches.
Jay:  Nah, just put a band aid on it to get it to stop bleeding.
Me:  I don't think it's going to stop, I think I need stitches.
Jay:  I will get a band aid, we will put it on tight.
Me:  Just bring me a washcloth, I think we need to go to the E.R.
Jay:  I can't find the band aids!! (mind you, stuff was all over due to me having to shift shit around for the exterminators)

Needless to say, we went to the E.R.  Oddly I was out in less than an hour.  Hard to believe, right?   I got in right away & they had me sitting in a room.  Mind you, I'm still bleeding, profusely & that is not one of my typical exaggerations.  Every time I took the washcloth off, blood spurted out.

I have a nurse, an aid & a doctor all checking on me.  I'm one lucky girl!!  So I ask if I have to get a tetanus
shot, because, you know, tetanus shots hurt like a bitch & you can't lift your arm for days.  The doctor thought I was afraid of needles.  If I were afraid of needles, I wouldn't have tattoos.

So the doctor starts to check me out & he takes my washcloth off & is looking at my open, sucking wound.  Next thing I know, he jams his finger right into it!!!!!!  Muther Effer!!!  He's lucky I didn't swing at him!!!  He said he was checking to see if I did nerve damage.  Oh, I felt that alright!!!  Ass.

The aide got my finger a little cleaned up & had me hold some gauze on it.

He walked by at one point at asked if I was giving him the finger.  I told him I wasn't but if he'd like me to I would.  Wasn't that nice of me??  HAHAHA

So, he numbs me right up & gives me 5 lovely stitches.  Here is what it looked like right after, picture courtesy of Jay:  

I was still bleeding profusely & extremely numb.  They didn't give me any pain pills.  So sad :(

The bleeding finally stopped & I got this freshly stitched picture:

The nurse, who was very nice, gave me my tetanus shot & told me if I swung my arm around like a windmill, it wouldn't hurt & I'd be able to lift my arm the next day without pain.  Yeah right, she was full of it.  So they bandaged me up & sent me on my way.  

We stopped to get some ibuprofen, that was the strongest thing they would let me take, WTF?!?!  We got home & the numbness started wearing off, which wasn't pleasant.  

The next day I showered, with a rubber glove & finally took the bandage off to examine my flesh wound:

Pretty good, right?  I told the Doctor I contemplated getting stitches.  He said it was good I decided to.  He said it wouldn't have healed right at all if I didn't.  A band aid wouldn't have fixed that flesh wound.  

Here is a picture a month after I cut myself.  I left my stitches in for almost the 2 weeks they suggested.  I think they lasted 12 days.  I also removed my own stitches.  One of them, the middle one, came untied after a few days, so I took it out.  When I took the rest out, I did sterilize my scissors & finger & tweezers.  I didn't have the money to go to my doctor to have it done.  

I healed up pretty well, right?  It is good I went to get stitches!!!  Hahaha

Here is a picture from today, can barely tell I cut myself at all....except when a knife is in my presence, then it throbs & pulsates!!!!

If anyone needs help with stitch removal, please feel free to give me a call!!!  I hope you weren't grossed out too much!!!

:)

e -

More Wits End Drama

Yes, I know I haven't written in a while.  Well, I'm here now & you better be prepared.  I have a lot to share so that means you better go potty, get drinks & snacks & find a comfy seat.

First, the reason for my lack of blogging, is that even right grammatically?  Whatever, I don't care.  Anywho, I haven't written much because I GOT A JOB!!!  That's right folks, I have a job.  It's pretty great too.  I can't tell you too much, yeah, it's secretive but I'm working for the Army.  Anyone who knows me in real life knows how I have a "thing" for men in uniform.  I feel my reward for having the 13 months from hell that wreaked havoc on my self esteem & worth & affected some of my relationships was this job.  I work with great people.  I'm appreciated and told that every day.  People are actually happy to have me working with them!!!  Currently I'm waiting on my security clearance and stuff, but that's why I haven't written cuz I'm way too busy doing the Army.

It's been very busy at Wits End.  About a month ago someone stole one of my license plates.  Yes, someone stole one of my plates, off the back of my car.  Assholes.  The night it happened, new neighbors moved into Baby Momma's apartment.  It happened sometime late Friday night into Saturday & I noticed it Saturday afternoon.  Awesome.  So I reported it to the local police & got a report number.  I had to go to the DMV come Monday morning because, well, I also had a stolen plate on my car.  Great.  Monday came & I got it taken care of.   Fast forward two weeks ahead......the cops were here for the 3rd time in 2 days, I will get to that.....& I was outside.  The one cop asked where I lived & I told him & he asked if it was my plate stolen.  I told him it was.  Well, it was found on a car that morning!  Can you believe it?!?!?!  I knew it didn't fall off like it was suggested to me.  Eventually I spoke with the State Trooper who made the discovery & my stolen plate was on a stolen vehicle & there was another stolen plate inside the vehicle!!!  Justice prevails!  They made one arrest & were looking for 3 more suspects.

As for the police.....our friend, the Conspiracy Theorist (CT) was especially active.  Yelling at the cops, the cops were yelling at him.  In one week, they were here 7 times in 6 days.  Nice.  His "girlfriend" showed up one night, needing her medication.  She was outside yelling to him to let her come up, she was cold, homeless, been sleeping in the woods......blah blah blah.  He was yelling at her he didn't want her there, she was begging....so I called the police.  Someone had already called before me so they were already on their way.  They argued, the police were banging on his door, she was crying....and this is a Tuesday night.  The police keep asking her if she has someone to call, anywhere she can go....she's cold, hungry....we learn she's picking cigarette butts up off the side of the road to smoke.  She is one effing hot mess.  So the one police officer calls a shelter or something for her.  She begs for charity/pity.  She has the nerve to tell the woman on the phone she is afraid of CT.  For reals.  I almost yelled out my window to call her out on that bullshit, she was just begging to stay the night with CT.  Oh, during this time, I was standing in my bedroom window with the lights out & window opening listening to the whole thing.  Eventually that drama ended & we all heaved a collective sigh of relief.

Now I can't quite remember if I ever mentioned the MOTY (Mother of the Year).  She lives at the other end of the building & has 3 kids, 9 year old girl, 5 year old girl & 2 year old boy.  The 9 year old is always watching & in charge of the 2 little ones.  ALWAYS!!!  The little boy is constantly running to the road, playing near the road, playing in the parking lots.  The frequently play on the steps to the basement which are on my side of the building.  The live way at the other end.  The basement floods & comes up the stairs.  Tell me, what decent parent allows their children to play out of eyesight?  Once, an old neighbor made a comment to the 9 year old asking where the mom was, that the 2 year old shouldn't be talking to CT & the mom had the nerve to leave a note on her door saying she didn't understand how was it was to be a single working mom.  Bullshit, she isn't single & doesn't work.  We all had called the office so much, they finally spoke with the mom & she left in tears.  Faker faker stinker baker.

Columbus Day weekend, that Friday, I was off of work.  I had an errand to run & when I walked out my door, I watched the little 2 year old boy run to the road.  Behind him running was another little neighbor boy & girl, the 9 year old & 5 year old.  As I drove by I didn't see any vehicles belonging to the parents.  So I called the office & they told me I should call the police.  So I did when I got home.  I went outside to wait for the officer & the 9 year old road her bike by me & I asked who was home watching her.  She said her mom. I told her I saw the 2 year old running to the road.  The little neighbor girl also riding her bike, who is probably about 7, said they were watching him.  I told them it's not their job to be in charge & watch the 2 year old, their job was to be little kids & have fun.  So the cop got there & I filled him in on the whole thing, how the rest of us feel, how we've complained.  He went & spoke with the mom, he said the kids look taken care of: clean clothes & fed.  I didn't hide the fact that it was me that called.  He even said he wished there were more concerned citizens like me.  Yes, I've made a conscious choice not to have children but that doesn't mean I don't have compassion or care.  Well, I struck a harsh chord with the mom.

That weak passive aggressive bitch had the nerve to yell out her window from behind her curtains at me.  I was out walking my Hailey girl, talking with my downstairs neighbor & I took Hailey off her leash to come in at my stoop.  She yelled "be careful, someone might call the cops".  Really.  And in front of my neighbor.  Dumb C U Next Tuesday.  Then a couple of days later, I was going out to the store & the 9 year old was by the road getting the mail.  She yelled "don't worry 9 year old, I'm watching you".  Ass.  It wasn't until I was out with my dog & she was out with her dog & 2 girls that she didn't say a word.  She wouldn't even walk near me.  HAHAHAHAHA Douche.  Funny thing, the cops were here those bunch of times the week after, I bet she shit a brick, especially when she saw me talking with them a couple of times!!!

I don't think I did anything wrong.  In fact, she's been better about watching her kids.....except that one time I went outside & I saw the 2 year old running to the road with a trail of kids behind him.  I know the 9 year old saw me looking.  LOL!  Those kids haven't played on our side of the building or the steps.  By default I may have made her a more watchful parent.  The cop told me she was lucky I called them instead of DYFS (Division of Youth & Family Services).

So that is what has been going on here.  Have you missed me???

:)

Wits End wits end

I'm so damn annoyed.  This whole not having a job, not being able to find a job is getting on my last nerve.  On Monday I will be unemployed for 13 months.  It's been awful & is really taking it's toll on my self esteem.

I have done everything the state of NJ has suggested: I took computer classes to brush up or add on to my skills, I volunteer, I've reconsidered what I'm worth (monetarily) and dropped down what I would ask for in pay.  What else is there for me to do?  It's even been suggested that I omit things on my resume, but I refuse to do that.  That's like lying.  What if someone investigates my background?  I won't do that.

I even signed up with two temp agencies.  One I signed up with almost a year ago.  In April I contacted my "account manager" to ask why I haven't heard anything in almost 6 months and gave her my updated resume.  She told me that there weren't any employers looking for my set of skills.  Really? Today I emailed her again, since I haven't heard from her once.  What's the effing point of having an "account manager" at a temp agency for?  Good thing I didn't have to pay her because her ass would be so fired.

A couple of weeks ago I had an interview for a job I was really interested in.  It was local & only part time, but I felt good about it.  I thought the interview went well.  I found it odd that she kept asking me if I was bitter and resentful about things at my old job, the manner they went about in laying me off.  I told her I wasn't and I'm not.  Ultimately business is business.  Life moves forward, it's a waste of energy to hold on to something like that.  She also told me that she would let me know, either way, her decision with me, to which I was thankful.  She asked me to email her 3 references, which I did.  I also sent a hand written thank you note at the suggestion of a friend.  The job was to be part time in August with the potential to become full time.  Today is September 1st.  I haven't heard from her by phone or email.  Thanks a lot.

That's the thing, applying for most jobs is now anonymous.  So I can't follow up.  Then I never hear anything. It's crap, it really is & I'm tired of it.  I'm an awesome employee.  I'm well rounded and organized.  I have superior organization and multitasking skills.  I have an excellent personality & can fit in anywhere but most of all I want to work and do a good job.  I'm not a schlub employee.  I have 10 years of office experience.  I like to learn new things.  I'm a team player.  Do you know how hard it is not to sound desperate in a job interview?  Do you know how hard it is to not beg in a cover letter to please, just give me an interview so I can tell you how much of an asset I would be to a company?

This whole not working has taking a toll on my self esteem, that I now have trouble selling myself, even to me.   I'm tired of hearing how "everything is for a reason", "something great is out there", "it will get better" and all the other typical cliche stuff that is said.  That doesn't help me pay my rent or pay my utilities.  If I didn't have my mom, I probably would have been evicted from my apartment a few months ago.  I get paid every 2 weeks from unemployment & that one payment isn't enough to cover my rent.  Sometimes I wish I had a second bedroom so I could find a room mate (not ideal for me, I don't want a room mate) but it would help a lot.  So I'm stuck in this alone.

I always believe you have to hit bottom before you can go back up but I'm not even sure I've hit bottom yet.  I don't even know what my bottom is.  I would like to so I can get the ball rolling.  I'm just very annoyed with this whole ordeal.  I've never been a big prayer, but I pray all the time.  I've asked for signs, I've been listening.  I don't know what to do.