Time.....

It's been a while.  A very long while.  I've been taking some time for me.  I know that sounds weird, but it's the truth.  I was lost for a while.  I'm not quite sure how long, but I was lost.  I apparently allowed myself to fall back into some old habits.  I started repeating behaviors or maybe I never stopped.  I don't know.  In any event....

I'm still an exile in NJ.  I think I am meant to be here though.  I have had so much personal growth here.  Sure, I still struggle....mostly with finances, but who doesn't?  I have been unsuccessful at finding a part time job or a sugar daddy (slightly kidding!).  But I'm so effing happy, it isn't funny.

Work is AWESOME!!!!!.  I'm one lucky gal who stepped in it when I found this job.  Every day I'm told I'm appreciated, someone's favorite, thanked for all that I do & doted on.  By men in uniform.  They make being single (yes, I'm still single, more to come...) fun.  They have become unlikely friends, who give me advice on men.  They have set the standard on how I deserve & expect to be treated by a man.  It's like a dream come true.  I love me some men in uniform.  This is where I was meant to be.

As I mentioned, I'm still single.  This trying to date has been fun? trying? an adventure?  I'm not sure what to call it.  Once, just once, it was enough to curse me, that my wonderful friend Amy said I had a freak magnet in my pocket.  And I attract freaks.  A lot of them.  It does make for some good stories though.  I have to laugh.  I do laugh, a lot.  I have learned a lot about myself.  I know what I what (a man with an accent is fun) & what I don't want (selfish, insecure bastards).   All the things people would say to me: You're beautiful, attractive, have a lot to offer......I am now starting to finally see all of that within myself.  I confidence & esteem are through the roof.  My life is amazing!

I mean it, my life is amazing.  I'm not saying it to say it or to cover up for how I'm really feeling.  I've never been happier in my whole entire life.  Other than having more money, but everyone would like that, there is not one single thing I would change at this point & time.  Why?  Let's recap: I'm single, have a great job,  good friends, Soldiers dote on me & make me feel special & I have a lot of "dating" options.   What is there to hate other than the bright, dazzling smile I wear every day & the pure happiness that radiates from me?

And with that, look forward to some of my fun (read: weird) dating stories!!

e -

Lately I don't have too much love for NJ

I've had some changes lately, well, I made some changes.  I know I haven't written in a while.  I have stuff I want to share, but I'm not quite ready.  Quite honestly, I can't remember when I've been happier, actually.  But today I'm feeling lonely.

I'm sure it's left over hormones from "my lady friend".  Thursday, one of my guys - hahaha, I refer to soldiers as my guys!  Anyway, Thursday one of them called & said he heard I took out a Craigslist ad looking for a single soldier to live with me & pay my rent in exchange for me doing laundry, cooking & cleaning.  All these emotions came flooding to me.  It brought back a reminder of why I made a particular change in my life.

Jay & I aren't together anymore.  That's all I'm going to say on it.  There won't be any getting back together, either.  It was a tough decision, one with many influencing factors.  Basically I'm left with the continuous resonance of things said to me, that play over & over like a broken record in my head.  Things I can never forget.  And I'm pretty sure he's never given me another thought since that day, because of something he said to me, frequently, as a matter of fact.  His mother actually called me a few months back, telling me I could do better.  Funny thing, shortly after we broke up, she texted me, to tell me she was thinking about me a lot & wasn't sure if I wanted to hear from her.  Odd, considering she encouraged me to let him go.

Anyway, I'm just lonely today.  This is the first time in my life, at almost 36, I mean 28, that I've been completely alone.  It's not so bad.  Well, it's bad at night & the weekends.  I wish I could work all the time.  I love my friends, but I feel like a 3rd wheel.  Funny thing is, even when Jay & I were together, most of the time I was with my friends he wasn't around, too busy with his things.

I'm struggling with reaching out to someone today.  I want to, but won't.  I don't have SGT Lopez to talk with like I used to.  We still talk & text though.  He's moved on & he suggested I go up to where he's now stationed, since there are a lot of single soldiers.  Now that's a friend looking out for a girl!  That may help some of the lonely feelings while I'm there.  And my birthday is coming.  Although I have picked a particular present that I want to give myself.  It's possible that I won't get it right on my birthday, but keep your fingers crossed.  I have high hopes.

I just feel like this Hell forsaken state is trying so hard to break me, and I keep fighting it.  Why?  What did I ever do to NJ?

I think I'm just cranky & am at the tail end of some hormones & blogging is helping me not send a desperate text.  I will get through this.  NJ won't kill me, maybe it's really trying to make me stronger.  I swear, if I can endure this place, I can probably make it anywhere.  Even though it sucks balls at the moment.

e -

Agitated

I woke up in the midst of a very awful dream this morning. I was so upset. Then, when I turned on the TV a song came on that seemed to confirm my dream. Terrible. I got even more upset. Then I get a text message from someone at work that said "I'm bored". I responded "I've been bored for 8 months". Really? Someone WHO HAS A JOB is going to text me saying they're bored? This happens frequently. I get "I'm bored", "I need a day off", "I wish I didn't have to work". I don't think the person to complain about your job to is me. I haven't worked in 8 months. I like to and want to work and can't seem to find a job. How about I call your boss & express your feelings then offer myself for the position? Would you like that? This is the same person who complains about their partner. Apparently life could have been done better if they didn't get married. Really? If you're so unhappy, get divorced. It's easy nowadays. I know. It's exhausting to hear how someone is useless, incapable and dumb. Weren't you aware of any of this before you got married? If you weren't give that person an Oscar for their amazing acting performance & convincing you to marry them. It takes two to tango. If you completely enable a person to the point where you have to do everything because they don't do it and know you will, you don't get the right to complain. Frankly, I should be bitter about marriage but I'm not. Mine didn't work out because we were not the right people for each other and we had to do some growing up. I look forward to getting married again. I honestly like the idea of having someone to come home to (when I have a job) to talk about my day with over dinner. I like having someone with me at night and in the morning. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have done things a lot different, like not get married or be in that toxic relationship. People have "discussions" because they don't always agree about everything. It's ok to have separate interests & separate things to do but also to have things to do together. It's good to have responsibilities to be held accountable for. No one should feel like they are being held back. People that are in relationships, married or not need to grow in the same direction. If that doesn't happen then someone is going to get left behind. These things were lacking in my marriage, but the next time, I know I can and will do it better. I know what I want now. I guess what I'm saying is I'm the wrong person to complain to. If you can't fix what's fucked up about your relationship, or you can't find some joy about doing your job then I don't want to hear it. Those are your faults and I will not be validating them. Sorry. You really need to make the best of your life, now. Live in the moments, be thankful for everything, even if it doesn't seem important. Don't wallow in the past about how you could have done things different. Can't change it now. Don't let something or someone special pass you by. Enjoy every moment. I effing hate NJ today for making me grow up and realizing I can be a better person. Blah. Eff it all.

Unemployment

Being unemployed sucks ball sacks, big time. Granted, I had wished that I had the kind of life where I read blogs & craft regularly.....well wishes do come true!!!

Anyway, I've been in a funk, worried about my income & surviving. Yes, I'm collecting unemployment but it isn't as much as my income was. So far things have been working out, but don't they always??

I worked on my resume & thought it was pretty good. I sent it out for some opinions & got some back. Well, I learned of the career centers that the local unemployment offices in NJ have. I met with the NICEST & most HELPFUL woman yesterday. Her name is Dianne & she is just wonderful!!! I sat with her for an hour, going over my resume. She gave me helpful tips & changes to make. Things on how to make my resume stand out compared to others, to make it "pop" as she said. I left the career center feeling good about my self, validated. She gave me a contact at a temp agency as well, someone who has done very well by her.

Next week, I will be taking advantage of a PROS class. There is also a career fair in October I will be going to. Plus, the career center also offers computer classes on refreshing, updating or just plain on gaining skills. Know what this all costs? NOTHING!!!!! It's all FREE!!!!! Can you believe that? I don't know if other states offer services like this, but NJ does. I'm very happy. People who want to help me get a job!!! YIPEEEEE!!!!!

So while we all complain about the things we dislike in the states we live in, I am thankful I found out how great the career centers are. If I wasn't laid off I may never have found them.

I e-mailed Dianne my resume after I worked on it for a few hours today, it did take me some time to rework it. It's also very difficult to talk about yourself & all the great things you have to offer. I had to look for a lot of the "right" words today. I also thanked Dianne for her help & how I feel so much better. Her response was: Thanks, but that's what we do here. People, who work for the State of NJ actually modest AND willing to help others.

Also, for those of you who are employed or unemployed voluntarily, you can take advantage of the career center's services. They are not just for people who are collecting unemployment. Isn't that something!!!!! Where ever you live, be sure to check out your local career centers. You'd be surprised to find out how any resources there are out there!!!!

Today, I'm proud to be an Honorary Jersey Girl!!!

Thanks for stopping by!!

Elizabeth