FML

I can't stop crying lately. Yesterday morning, while I was driving, yesterday afternoon. I can't stop. Hell, I was watching the movie Elf 2 weeks ago & that made me cry. As I write this I am waiting for the state to call me to discuss my unemployment amount. They are already 11 minutes late.....

I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping at night. Then when it's time to get out of bed, I can't even muster the energy to do that. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, nothing. If you invite me to do something & I say no, don't take it personal because it's not.

See, I still haven't found a job. It's not because I don't look. I don't quite know if it's the economy, my skills/experience or a little of both. I'm so behind on all of my bills & my rent is late to the point where I am going to incur a late fee of $50. I constantly worry all the time about what phone calls I will be getting telling me I owe. It isn't as if I didn't proactively call to work something out. See, because I make some effort, even though the effort is very small, it means I am current & until I get to the point of being shut off, I can't work out a payment plan. How odd is that??

I actually went on the NJ website to see if I qualified for food stamps. Hell, I've been paying taxes forever, in theory, these public assistance programs should be for people who are in my position temporarily but they aren't. I don't qualify for food stamps. The money I make collecting unemployment doesn't cover any of my expenses fully but yet I don't qualify. They way I understand it, $435 a week is too much money to qualify for anything.....wait....I do qualify for one thing. Medicaid, but in order to even get that, I need to have some sort of brain injury.

Now, before job suggestions come in please note that I am signed up with 2 temp agencies, I've posted my resume on careerbuilder.com, northjerseyhelpwanted.com, indeed.com, usajob.com and I also check the NJ Department of Labor website & craigslist.com for jobs. Someone on careerbuilder.com saw my resume & called me for a managerial position. I drove 45 minutes one way for a 20 minute group presentation about a sales job. What a waste. I asked several times on the phone if it was a sales job & couldn't get a straight answer. I'm just very dejected.

With Christmas 22 days away....well....I don't want to participate. I don't have the means to buy presents or even buy items to make presents. I don't want to go to someones house & they have a small gift for me, when I have nothing. I'd rather not go at all. It's not personal to the people, I just feel like if I'm gonna be sad & depressed I'd rather be alone instead of having to fake it.

I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of people telling me it's going to work out, something better will come along, everything for a reason....I get that it will but that doesn't help me right now,at this moment. It doesn't make my bills current, it doesn't pay my rent, it doesn't get me healthy, non processed food groceries. It makes me angry that, in reality, I am a productive member of society & the only thing in place to help me is unemployment.....that's it. What is wrong with that?

Oh & the state still hasn't called.....they are 18 minutes late....