Job-less, still?

Most of you know I was laid off at the beginning of August. As of today, I'm still unemployed. It isn't as if I haven't looked or applied for anything. I'm even signed up with two temp agencies. Nothing. I don't have any skills that I can fall back on temporarily either like a hair dresser or nail tech. I either don't hear back after I've sent my resume or the job is some sort of scam. That's right, scams. It's becoming very frustrating & dejecting. The last interview I had was for a place that, when they called me, told me they were interested in me for a management position. When I drove 45 minutes for a 20 minute group presentation on becoming a sales person for this company, I knew it wasn't really to start out in management. What a waste of my time & gas. There questionnaire they had us filled out asked why they should hire me. I answered "you probably shouldn't hire me if the position is a sales position as I am not a sales person". Yes, I answered that. If I was good at sales, I'd be a lot better at selling Mary Kay and not blogging about this particular topic.

Maybe part of the problem is I just don't know what I want to do. That's right. I don't know what I want to do. I know, I've been out of college 10 years. Sure, I've worked as an admin assistant for 10 years. Yes, I'm great at what I do. That's not conceit, it's confidence. I look good on paper, my resume shows it & I'm even better in person.

I have a great personality. I'm extremely well rounded & adaptable. I'm smart & funny. I have great speaking skills & have tons of common sense. I can multi-task well & I have excellent communication skills. I have charm & I have grace. I'm one of those people who has all the extras you look for in an employee. It shows in my experience when you read my resume & it shows when you talk with me in person. I am a good & diligent worker who shows up every day & on time.

So what's the problem? Who wouldn't want me. I'd want me. But here is where I am at.....

I don't want to be an administrative assistant. It's just something I know I can do and I can do it very well. The problem is I don't know what I want to do. I've been trying to figure out what type of job would make me happy. I'm not quite sure. Yes, I do joke about acting, particularly in Lifetime movies, but that's not going to happen. I do know I want to do something fun & that will be enjoyable. I was given advice by someone I worked with that his most wealthy clients started their own businesses when they were at rock bottom. I'm not quite sure I'm at rock bottom & I've been racking my brain to figure out what I love & what I can do to employ myself.

A little while ago, my friend Amy posted a new entry in her blog, Byline to Finish Line. Amy is a wonderful writer who blogs about her journey as a triathlete. Her writing is amazing in the fact that you don't need to be a triathlete to relate. There is something for everyone. Anyone can identify with what she writes and to me, that is what makes her writing amazing!! If you couldn't tell, I admire her a lot & think she makes a great role model for women. You should check out her blog.

Her most recent post Taking, and creating, chances is about that. As she re-posted something a friend of hers had posted on Facebook: Is life about taking chances or finding chances to take, it got me thinking.....

I need to continue to figure out what it is that I want to do. A lot of us do jobs we aren't 100% happy with. It wasn't that I hated my job, because I didn't. I wasn't completely fulfilled. Then I was laid off which was a major shock & has left me slightly devastated. My choices are to continue to seek out a job that I know I ca do but won't leave me fulfilled or I can take the chance & figure out exactly what I want to do and will be 100% happy doing. I know that with the qualities I listed about myself & the fact that I have some other abilities, there is something in all that for me. I just have to figure it out. I have to figure out how to put aside the fears I have & the answer will come to me & it will then be my time to take & create some chances.

:)

Welcome to the Garden State

My "idea" of NJ was that it was all like Newark - concrete, industrial & iron bound. Boy was I wrong!! I mean, NJ is called the Garden State. We have awesome tomatoes & corn. I live in a rural county with a lot of state land with so many places to visit, you'd be surprised. I wanted to share some of those things with you. It might inspire you to come see how great NJ is & maybe even see me!!! Maybe we could even do a little touristing together!

First, let me just say that the NJ is wonderful. The beaches are nice, the ocean is there, it's just glorious. These are some pictures I have taken while I was down the shore, which by the way, is what people in NJ say. They don't go to the beach, they go down the shore.

The next pictures I'm going to share with you are from Luna Parc. It's a local artist's home, his name is Ricky Boscarino. It reminds me of Beetlejuice. It's lovely & disturbing all at the same time. Luna Parc is only open twice a year & for free. It is Mr. Boscarino's home. He asks for donations, I believe the last request was for glass Mrs. Butterworths syrup bottles, he is/was intending on making a tribute Mrs. Butterworth out of her bottles. I've included just a few of the pictures I took. Feel free to check out the website for Luna Parc. You will not be disappointed!!! I do think *some* of the jewelry is beautiful. Some things, well, as you will see, are for those who have eclectic tastes. The website does have more of the items for sale. I'd love to know what you think!

This is a ring he made

Unfinished Vase which I just loved



And you thought balls could only hang from your trailer hitch!!! You can dangle them from your ears too!!



This is from inside his bathroom. Everyone who visits Luna Parc asks what you think about the bathroom.

My next set of pictures are from the Camden Aquarium. I do believe Camden has been referred to as the murder capital of the US. Anyway, the Aquarium is really nice. It's right across the water from Philadelphia. Jay & I had a really enjoyable time there, worth the ride!

They have several touch tanks in the aquarium, a jelly fish touch tank being one of them!!!

My last set of pictures are from local hikes I've taken. Most have been in Stokes State Forest. I prefer to hike in the spring & fall. Less bugs, better temperatures, just nice all around.

Highpoint Monument, the highest point in the state of NJ

Highpoint again

Tillmans Ravine













Buttermilk Falls

The top of Buttermilk Falls

That concludes my photo documentation of some of the great places in NJ to visit. I have learned to love NJ, a lot. I don't think I'd ever move away from here. Don't get me wrong, I do not forget my roots & there are some things I say or do because they are what make me who I am. I've now become a blend of one person, from one great place, now living in a new great place.

Enjoy!

Elizabeth

Sleep Talking Jay

Welcome to another edition of Sleep Talking Jay. What I have for you today, well....let me just get to it.

I never know when Jay is going to talk in his sleep. I don't think I can correlate it to anything. Last night he kept mumbling "mmmm hmmmm" over and over again, I don't know why.

Last night, however, Jay didn't quite mumble. I'm actually kind of surprised the neighbors didn't hear him.....through the walls & closed windows".

I'm not quite sure of the time, I just know I was asleep, in the deep sleep kind of sleep, no less. I was woken up to Jay, screaming at the top of his lungs "THAT'S NOT THE AMERICAN WAY!!!!!" I jumped, the poor cat jumped, it was awful. He was very agitated & mumbling he would show who ever the American way, swinging his arm around. I tried for some time to calm him down by rubbing his back & shoulder. I would say this went on for a couple of minutes. He finally settled down & went back to sleep, well, I don't think he stopped sleeping, he stopped talking. My heart was racing because I was scared out of a deep sleep.

I laugh now, but when it's happening it's not so funny. Hopefully, you all get a laugh!!

Thanks for reading!!

Elizabeth

My Loves

Anyone who knows me in real life knows I love my animals more than anything. They make me so very happy. I could never be with out them. I refer to them as my kids, the livestock, my babies. When I separated from the ex-husband, he suggested we give Hailey back to the rescue. He stayed in the condo we bought together and I moved out. I was having trouble finding a place that would allow dogs. But I did it. I had to. Hailey and the boy can't be separated. They love each other way too much. Anyway......




Let me tell you about the boy. He does have an actual name. I'm not sure if anyone knows it. I started calling him "boy" because he can be bad & when I yell at him, it's just easier to say "boy". You kinda have to say "boy" like Foghorn Leghorn says "boy". Anyway, his actual name is Cricket. I named him that because at times, he gets in this very relaxed, baby-like state & his purr turns into a chirp that sounds like a cricket. I got him on December 2, 2005. He loves to drink out of the bathroom faucet as he loves water, a lot. He hangs out on the edge of the tub when I shower, sometimes he peeks in. If I take a bath, he will stick his feet in the water. Crazy cat. I do call him Pookie Bear, Bear Bear & Tinky Bear, but mostly boy.

The boy is extremely snuggly. More so than a lot of cats, I think. I mean, whenever I sit down, 3 seconds later, he's wrapped around my neck, snuggling & looking for hugs & kisses. He loves kisses. He will tip his head back for them. I will kiss & kiss & kiss him then ask if he wants more. He always wants more. Every night at bedtime, we snuggle & hug & kiss & he makes his cookies until he's ready to sleep & then he curls up against my back. I love how soft his fur is.

Anyone can come over & pick him up. He's extremely socialized. The only thing he hides from is the vacuum. He does the all the talking for Hailey and himself. He's super vocal. Vocal to the point where I know what sounds he is making for food, trouble, bugs, you name it. You can have an actual conversation with him when it's meal time. I think the funniest sounds he makes are when I walk Hailey. Since I got her, he will cry (scream) for her, out the windows until we come back in. He waits & watches then runs down to the door to greet her, not me, her. Now, that my neighbors know why he screams out the windows the way he does, they laugh. It's pretty comical.

When it's time for breakfast, when we are all sleeping, he starts yelling from where my kitchen table is at & comes racing through the bedroom, across the bed, hoping to get me up. No discretion. When that tactic becomes ineffective, he wakes Hailey up. Yes, he wakes her up. He gets in her face & meows at her until she actually gets out of bed. He knows that's when I will get up. Smart huh??





My girl Hailey.....I love her. She's such a sweet & happy girl. My white boxer. She and the boy were meant for each other. When I was thinking about getting a dog, I didn't know how he would be. I had my friend Heather bring her dog by to see how the boy would react, he ran upstairs. When I had my home visit from the boxer rescue, he ran upstairs but when I brought Hailey home, he never ran away from her. It was love at first sight. Ironically, I got Hailey exactly 1 year & 1 day after the boy on December 3, 2006.

Biologically, Hailey is a few years older than the boy. You'd ever know she was almost 9 years old by how she behaves. Boxers seem to have a lot of energy.....always!!! She gets so wild sometimes throwing her toys through the air, you always have to be on guard or you might get taken out by a flying duck!! She does have a lot of toys, but she plays with every single one of them. Depends on the day & what she feels like doing. Some days it's just squeaking, some days it's shaking and chewing.

Hailey has a lot of names too. I call her: Haileysaurus, Stinkasaurus Rex, Jealous Judy, Josie Grossie, Moosey Lucy, Horsey Harriet, Prettietht Printhess (think lisp) & Hailey Bear. Some of my real life friends know that Hailey doesn't exactly run like a dog. She hops. I've been trying to get video of it. It's very funny.

Poor Hailey has quite a few problems. She has a lot of allergies. She's allergic to beef & chicken, wheat, corn & soy, grass, ash trees & the yeast her own body produces. When I got her she was a hot mess. Her surrender owners just gave her prednesone & she ballooned up to a hefty 62 pounds. She's now a lean & trim 47 with me. She was also supposed to be adopted with her brother, another white boxer who is deaf. She was supposed to be his hearing dog. Anyone who has met Hailey knows her attention span isn't very long. It didn't work out so well. She knows a few hand signals, which I have kept up with her & I think she's pretty content on being the only dog. Now that it's just been the three of us, it's become apparent to me that tension aggravated some of Hailey's issues. See, she also has anxiety. I don't medicate her for that, she's on some heavy duty meds for her allergies so I leave my TV on for her when I'm not here. She likes the Food Channel, especially Paula Deen.

Aside from her issues, did I mention her breath that smells like sewage?? Yeah, it's that bad, Hailey really is a special kind of dog. Even when she doesn't feel well, her nub (tail) still wags in happiness. She is always happy. Everyone is her friend and she just loves little kids. She has bad allergy days where she is extremely itchy, which then gears up her anxiety but we work with it. I tend to worry about her a lot, she's been having these weird shakes lately. Twice they've knocked her down. I'm concerned she's starting to have seizures. She's developing cataracts & who knows what else. I love her very much & I'm glad she's the one I rescued.





Those are my babies & I love them so much. I wish everyone could know just how wonderful they are. They bring so much joy to my life. Maybe this will inspire you to rescue any kind of animal, or to come visit me & mine!!

Oh, by the way, I have another love I want to share with you. I might get in trouble for this, but I'm willing to risk it.

That's Jay :) He's the nicest boy ever & he came along in my life when I could truly appreciate him and the kind of guy he is. Our lives are made up of experiences, good & bad & those things make up who we are. I can happily say that Jay is one of the great experiences :) Plus, he loves Hailey and the boy & I know for sure they love him.

Thanks for reading!!!

Elizabeth

Hiding Behind A Smile

Where to begin? From last Tuesday to today, this week has been full of stress. Some stupid ass bullshit stress & some valid. The stupid stuff is minor, annoying, kind of like when you have sneakers on & an itch on the top of your foot, but you aren't in a position to take your shoe off & take care of it. Anyway, that stuff is minor & I don't want to talk about it.

I am more worried about not being able to find a job. It's been just over two months since I last worked. Yes, I look, regularly & I have been on interviews. I'm either over qualified or under qualified by a smidge. It's starting to take it's toll on me physically & emotionally.

I have been exercising pretty regularly to relieve my tension. I don't think it's working. My shoulder has been killing me, honestly I can't say for how long. I thought I slept funny but it didn't go away. When I woke up one morning & realized I couldn't fully relax my shoulder I figured it was tension. After I lifted weights last week, it felt better, not fixed but less painful. Right now the pain is going up into my ear drum. The pain did run down into my chest but that's subsided. I know my shoulder pain is directly related to....

My stress and worry over not having a job. My bills are all behind except for my rent, car insurance, renter's insurance & my credit card. When I did have a job, things were tight, but I always got by. Now they are tight to the point where I've had to ask for help. I hate that. I had to defer my student loan. Most of it has been paid off and I had to defer it. It was very painful to do that. I'm just so disappointed and I don't know if it's with myself or with the economy or something else.

I'm questioning if it was right for me to actually go to college, I mean, I am paying for a degree (still) I haven't really used. I don't have any special job skills I can fall back on. I feel at a loss lately. Like I don't know what to do. I know everything happens for a reason and everything will work out but sometimes I wish I could just catch a small break. I'm a really good person. I'm a good worker, I show up on time, work all day, I don't call out fake sick, I have great qualities, I think I'm the employee most employers would be pleased and impressed with. But lately, I feel like I have gotten a bad deal.

I'm just in a funk and a bit envious of the people who "work" the system or people who aren't deserving of anything, have lives they don't appreciate. I'm not saying I'd like to be one of those people, I'm just saying I'd like to have a job & be appreciated for what I am worth.

It's very hard not to become dejected very easily. It's hard not to doubt myself and my abilities and my choices. Some days it's hard to get out of bed.

I always used to hide behind my smile so people didn't know my unhappiness with my life. I feel like I've been doing that lately. Hiding behind my smile. This time it's for different reasons. Before, I never wanted anyone to know how sad & lonely I was in my marriage. This time it's different. Now, I don't want anyone to know how scared & alone I feel. That I wonder if things are going to implode.

I'm going to look for some more jobs to apply for. I will be going to a job fair tomorrow. I'm hoping maybe something turns out. I will keep my fingers crossed.

*Insert Emotion Here*

I can't figure out how I am feeling. Am I sad? Am I angry? Hurt? I can't decide. Is it a combination? There was an episode of Golden Girls where Blanche & Rose were talking & when Blanche couldn't exactly describe her feelings, she used a color. She said she was feeling Magenta. Maybe I'm feeling a bit Magenta.

When you're a kid, it's hard. Granted it isn't adult hard, but it's still hard. There are cliques, in-crowds, whatevers. It's hard to find where you fit in. No one wants to be left out. Everyone wants to be liked & everyone wants to have a friend. Someone they laugh with, have fun with, share things with. I mean, who doesn't want that? As you get older, things change. You have fewer friends but you are close with them. You choose them because you laugh with them, have fun, share things, confide in each other. I believe we need friends to exist. They make our lives better.

Recently, I've had some doubt cast. I have parted ways with someone I considered a friend. Someone I've confided in & who has confided in me. About a lot of things. Maybe it was naive on my part to assume that the things we confided in each other would stay with us even though we might not speak, but I assumed wrong. What is that saying? When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U & ME? Something like that. Anyway....

It was never my intention, nor would it ever be to go back to the people that were complained about & tell them was had been said about them. It's stupid & immature & really, what would be the purpose? I can tell you the same courtesy was not offered to me. Why? I don't know. I found out in a roundabout way, but was asked not to say anything. See, this person, by not being a good friend, could have possibly jeopardized some future (income earning) endeavors for me. Ironically, the person I found out from, does not want to me to say anything to anyone. That person doesn't want to be involved & distanced from the situation. It's just a mess where I feel like someone can say crap to someone else but the person who told me has said to let it go. So I feel like there is no defending myself. It feels like my past all over again where I just allowed people to treat me like crap & I never did anything about it. I don't like it.

I didn't sleep much, I spent a lot of time wondering if my friend was ever really my friend. I think I know the answer & I'm pretty sure it's a no. Oddly, this person is wondering why I won't speak with them. In light on what I have found out, really?? You wonder??? I just merely parted ways, a reason, a season, a lifetime. I never had intentions of being negative, sharing things that were said, we just go our own ways. I'm very hurt that the same courtesy wasn't afforded me.

I suppose I'm feeling Cornflower Blue. It's not quite blue, not quite gray.

Elizabeth

Sleep Talking Jay

Yes. Before any of you ask, I spoke with Jay, my sweetest, before writing this. A lot of mornings usually start with this:

Me: Do you remember what you were dreaming about last night?
Jay: Oh boy. What did I say?

And then the conversation continues. Before I get going into some of Jay's ramblings, have any of you ever see the website Sleep Talkin' Man? You can check it out here. It's really very funny & my friend Heather showed it to me a while ago. I shared it with Jay & of course he thinks it's funny too.

I didn't get to ask Jay about what he was dreaming about last night, I was extra sleepy plus it was dark & pouring rain & being under my covers was more important. Plus, I don't remember much of what he said. Sometimes he just mumbles about things.

I've learned to watch how I respond to him. Jay has this very weird way of being coherent. I can get up, go to the bathroom, turn lights on, feed Hailey & the boy, record Jay snoring (to prove in fact, he does snore), play on my phone, yell at Hailey to stop scratching & Jay isn't disturbed at all. As in, he doesn't hear/see/feel any of it. But.....if I whisper, barely audible, asking him to roll over he hears me, will tell me ok on occasion & roll over. Weird & very funny.

Sometimes Jay talks in the middle of the night, sometimes it's as he's waking up. There have been too many times as he's saying something as he's waking up where I say: "What?!?!" and Jay realizes he's said "something" & will tell me never mind.

So, without further delay, let me share some of Jay's ramblings with you!!!

I have two very vivid memories of his waking "rambles".

1. Putting those lamps on end tables, and my most favorite one:

2. Don't forget to try the home made mayo.

We have a running joke with that last one. I believe I even sent him a recipe to make home made mayonnaise!!!!

Then we have Jay's middle of the night ramblings. Sometimes he's animated too. THAT is a lot of fun. Like the time he elbowed me in the chest then started slapping me with both hands as if I were on fire & he was trying to put it out & didn't stop until I told him I was ok.

One time he was talking about ordering steel rods & sheet metal ( I imagine this had to be work related) and he had his arm straight up in the air & was swinging it around.

Another time Jay was mad, I mean the kind of mad that makes your voice shake & you know tears aren't far behind. In all the time I have known Jay, I have never seen him this angry. He was yelling: Shit, shit, shit, fuck fuck, shit, fuck.....etc.

I think he was having a conversation with my friend Stacy one time (in his sleep) and they were discussing green yarn. He was telling her to hang on, he had to figure out how much & he sat up on his elbow & proceeded to figure out how much green yarn was needed. He actually looked as if he was figuring it out on some scrap paper!!!

Just recently, Sunday night, he was talking about putting something underneath some wire & I could hear him rustling on the night stand.

My most favorite night was when he told me "I got it, I'm telling you I got it, just give me a minute" and he rolled over, opened his night stand drawer & rummaged around in it. He then rolled over and "showed" me something and said "see, I told you I had it!!"

Now, I don't know what he had, if he had anything at all but in the morning stuff was hanging out of the open drawer.

I should keep a pad next to me at night so I can write this stuff down. I know there is more & right now I'm working off my memory.

As I get more, I will share with you!!

Any of you have sleep talking sleep partners????

Thanks for reading!!

Elizabeth