I've had some changes lately, well, I made some changes. I know I haven't written in a while. I have stuff I want to share, but I'm not quite ready. Quite honestly, I can't remember when I've been happier, actually. But today I'm feeling lonely.
I'm sure it's left over hormones from "my lady friend". Thursday, one of my guys - hahaha, I refer to soldiers as my guys! Anyway, Thursday one of them called & said he heard I took out a Craigslist ad looking for a single soldier to live with me & pay my rent in exchange for me doing laundry, cooking & cleaning. All these emotions came flooding to me. It brought back a reminder of why I made a particular change in my life.
Jay & I aren't together anymore. That's all I'm going to say on it. There won't be any getting back together, either. It was a tough decision, one with many influencing factors. Basically I'm left with the continuous resonance of things said to me, that play over & over like a broken record in my head. Things I can never forget. And I'm pretty sure he's never given me another thought since that day, because of something he said to me, frequently, as a matter of fact. His mother actually called me a few months back, telling me I could do better. Funny thing, shortly after we broke up, she texted me, to tell me she was thinking about me a lot & wasn't sure if I wanted to hear from her. Odd, considering she encouraged me to let him go.
Anyway, I'm just lonely today. This is the first time in my life, at almost 36, I mean 28, that I've been completely alone. It's not so bad. Well, it's bad at night & the weekends. I wish I could work all the time. I love my friends, but I feel like a 3rd wheel. Funny thing is, even when Jay & I were together, most of the time I was with my friends he wasn't around, too busy with his things.
I'm struggling with reaching out to someone today. I want to, but won't. I don't have SGT Lopez to talk with like I used to. We still talk & text though. He's moved on & he suggested I go up to where he's now stationed, since there are a lot of single soldiers. Now that's a friend looking out for a girl! That may help some of the lonely feelings while I'm there. And my birthday is coming. Although I have picked a particular present that I want to give myself. It's possible that I won't get it right on my birthday, but keep your fingers crossed. I have high hopes.
I just feel like this Hell forsaken state is trying so hard to break me, and I keep fighting it. Why? What did I ever do to NJ?
I think I'm just cranky & am at the tail end of some hormones & blogging is helping me not send a desperate text. I will get through this. NJ won't kill me, maybe it's really trying to make me stronger. I swear, if I can endure this place, I can probably make it anywhere. Even though it sucks balls at the moment.
e -
